When Your Husband Looks At Pornography

We were on our honeymoon. After driving for what seemed like forever, we arrived to our hotel in Jacksonville, Florida. Not yet to our destination in Marathon, we settled in for the night. The television, when you turned it on, had this option where you could pay for a pornographic film. I saw my husband flipping through the options as I stood in the shower.

A part of me died.

I had never wanted to compete with porn stars, nor invite them here to join me on my honeymoon. It felt like an intrusion and like being together wasn't enough, that we needed the so-called help of strangers. What's worse is that their faces are smiling, as if this were an invitation to a good time, not an occasion of sin. My memory does not serve as to whether we watched the film or not.

In my marriage it was obvious that my husband had problems with looking at pornography. Over time I had developed certain ways of dealing with it. I, at first, was deeply hurt. I felt like I was not good enough, like I was undesirable. I would look through his search and browser history on the computer, but then it became apparent that he was deleting it.

I grew more and more suspicious and did not feel my heart was safe with him. Over time my heart hardened toward him. When we had fights, which were about other things, it damaged an already bruised relationship. Each look at pornography felt like a small betrayal that daily added up.

There was a time that I thought looking at pornography with him too would help. It didn't. At best I was pretending to collude to something I desperately wanted out of my life. It made things worse and felt like I was deliberately hurting myself.

I think there are a great deal of women who pretend to be into pornography to mask the deep hurt and shame they feel over it holding such a prominent place in their marriage. I could feel the sin begin to take over me and now had images I could not get out of my mind.

A collision of factors caused our marriage to come to a screeching halt. We divorced. A small while later, we remarried. This was 11 years ago. I have some things I want to share with you if you're going through the trouble of knowing that your husband looks at pornography.

First, I want to say that it's not about you. He may say it's about you, you may believe it's about you, but it's not. It's really not. Pornography is a sin which can result in strongholds from which a person may need to plead the blood of Jesus to break free from.

It isn't something he does because of what you do or don't wear or because of what you will or won't do in bed. It is a choice he is making. In the case of my husband, I knew he had a pornography problem before we had ever met.

I made the decision to separate his pornography problem with anything I was doing and to view it as something between him and God. No longer my problem. It wasn't something I was willing to bring into the marriage or believe had anything to do with me. He was sinning against his own body, mind and soul and God, not me.

We no longer fought over it and I did not bring it up. It was his own problem and not one I was willing to be emotionally attached to anymore. It's not that I didn't care. It's that everyone needs to take responsibility for their own sin and because I knew he would be looking at porn with or without me being in his life.

I also made the decision to forgive. To forgive him for his shortcomings and his attraction to this issue. I can't say that my heart didn't hurt or that it wasn't difficult, but I could not hold on and make his problem my problem. I chose to forgive. And to see as him as human.

I wouldn't want my worst problem looked on with judgment and disdain, and so I chose not to go that route. I didn't look on the computer history to see what he did. I wasn't looking over his shoulder anymore. I wasn't going to turn our relationship into that of a mother who scolds her child for when he fails once again.

I also want to say that pornography doesn't satisfy the viewer. If it did, it would not mess with people the way it does. It would not become addictive. It also isn't about sex. The women on the page promise something they cannot deliver. And just like any addiction, it isn't really about the tool being used to feel better.

I also would urge you that if your problems are severe that you see a counselor who can help. Many couples deal with the pornography problem in unhealthy ways that further exacerbate matters. The wife may give in and go along or the husband may insist that his wife act out what he's been watching online. Either way, it's good to get help from a godly counselor on these matters.

Resisting pornography is a choice the person must make with the help of God. 

11 years later and our marriage is thriving and healthy. After going through significant life changes and trials we both have dedicated our lives to following after Jesus and have put our problems behind us. We both serve as music ministers and as the hosts of, 'The Joe and Rosa Show' on WDZY, AM & FM, Richmond, VA. We have a miracle baby and both believe that pornography is one of the driving factors behind human trafficking. I am amazed at how God has restored this once frayed and jagged relationship.

This story is one I have thought long and hard about sharing, as I don't want to shame anyone or add an unnecessary burden to our relationship. The reason I share this is because I know there are women, even in our churches, who are hurting because of the effect of pornography in their relationships.

It's time somebody spoke about it.

The shame we endure often becomes bearable when the light of God's work is breathed into it. Jesus can and will bring healing if we let Him. My husband said to share this so that good could come out of it. 

Romans 8:1 says, 'Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus'.

If you or your spouse don't know Jesus, that is the first place you'll want to begin. Click here to find out how you can be saved. 

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Thank you for sharing and being open to shine His light in the dark places. I just had a conversation with a Pastor today about wishing people would be willing to share hard things that they have overcome by the power of Jesus! Loved reading this HOPE filled story. Blessings to you!
Beautifully brave. Thank you for sharing your valuable wisdom and experience.

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